Friday, November 23, 2012

Friday's Advice. You asked, I answered.

Each week I will post questions I receive and answer them with the honesty and straight to the point approach you deserve. I won't sugar coat. If you can't handle the truth, I suggest you don't ask. 

Dear Pretend Goddess,
 I have been happily married for almost 10 years. My husband is a nice, caring man. We have children and a wonderful life together though I find myself thinking of my ex a lot. More than I should. I google his name every once in awhile in hopes to find out where he is in life. I found his Facebook page. Sometimes I think I'm obsessed with him. Should I reach out to him and let him know that I still think of him?

*Um, wow. I'm not sure this is a question for me. Do you have a shrink? No? Get one. 
Let me start off by saying, no, you should absolutely NOT contact your ex. Leave him and what was in the past. Stop googling him and stop looking at his FB page. It's not healthy and it is unbelievably disrespectful to your husband. 
Are you as happily married as you say? A happily married woman who is obsessed with searching for her ex online? Hmm. 
Stop. Stop it now. You are obsessed. There is no question about it. 
Listen and listen carefully: if there is something going on in your marriage that is prompting you to continuously search your ex's name, then you need to talk to your husband (about the issues, not your obsessive online searches) and seek couples counseling. With that said, ask yourself what you hope to gain by contacting an ex from so many years ago? You're married with children and chances are, so is he. Leave the past and what you had where it belongs, in the past. 
I'm not saying I never think about an ex from time to time. I don't think that's unnatural. There are even songs that are still painful to listen to if I hear them on the radio. You know what I do when the song comes on? I switch the station. 
I'm not saying I've never googled an ex's name either. I have. But I can honestly say it wasn't in hopes to contact him or to reach out to him. I was curious and that is natural. Though you have crossed the point of natural curiosity. When I did google my ex I saw his life was as predictable as I had thought and I was satisfied with him as an ex. 
I'm married like you and want to stay that way. You need to say good-bye to the fantasy of your ex and concentrate on your reality. 
By the way, you will come across as an absolute fool if you contact your ex. You'll regret it. You will lose much more than your dignity and self-respect. 
Now go give your husband a hug and refill your meds. 

Dear Pretend Goddess, 
Who do I tip over the holidays? Do I pay extra to my housekeeper?

*Yes dear, you do pay your housekeeper extra. Give the tip or as I say, holiday bonus at the first of December or as close to that as possible. The reason is so they have extra money for their own holiday shopping. Plus, giving the bonus early in the month is thoughtful because it allows them the time to do their shopping without worry. How much to tip? Well, that's up to you. I double my housekeeper's salary. 

You also want to be generous to your hairstylist as well. I give a holiday bonus and a present. That's just me though. She makes me beautiful and I love her dearly. 
Rule of thumb: anyone who performs a service for you on a regular basis should receive a holiday tip. 

Don't forget your doorman if you live in a building or guard, if you live in a gated community. I usually gave baked treats when I lived in a gated community though. That is up to you. Also, be a bit more generous to valet attendants and wait staff this holiday season. 
Parents, if you plan on going out on say New Years Eve or a holiday and use a babysitter, you better pony up the cash. If doubling what you'd usually pay an hour is too high, then pay time and a half. Still too much? Then don't go out. 

Now, I must draw the line somewhere. A few years ago my paper delivery man put a card in my mailbox asking, yes asking, for a holiday tip. He was even so bold as to enclose a self addressed stamped envelope. I was appalled. I do not tip when someone tells me to. I don't get the paper anymore because I'm not sixty years old and read my news online. I threw his card away. It was tacky. I don't doubt extra cash would have been helpful for him and his family, as he suggested in the card but he broke a rule and asked. 

Dear Pretend Goddess, 
I'm in my early 20's and I'm deeply in love with my boyfriend but I'm also in love with a woman whom I've been sleeping with for the past several months. She and I have have something I've never had with anyone else. I don't think I'm a lesbian. I'm probably bisexual because I love my boyfriend too. The other woman knows I have a boyfriend and is pressuring me to end it with him to be with her. I don't want anyone to get hurt. 

*You didn't ask me a question but I will give you my thoughts anyway. 
I don't think you are bisexual and I won't say if you're gay or straight. I think you already know on some level if you are gay or not. Whichever is okay, okay? I think once you grow and experience life more, you'll gravitate toward a specific gender. This answer is based on me asking at least ten of my gay friends who are well past their twenties. What your sexuality is at the moment is not the issue. 
What's not okay is that you are cheating. Doesn't matter if it's with the same sex, it's still cheating and it's wrong. If you're not ready to come out and I suspect you're not, you need to at the very least end it with your boyfriend. 
You didn't just experiment with another woman out of curiosity, you've been having an affair that has gone on for several months. 
Let me add that you are not "deeply in love" with your boyfriend otherwise you wouldn't cheat. 
As well as ending it with your boyfriend out of fairness to him and yourself, I'd suggest ending it with the other woman too. At least for a while to process your feelings and who you are as an individual. I can understand her pressuring you to end things with your boyfriend because what you're doing isn't fair to her either. 
Maybe after some time apart from both, you'll have a clearer understanding of who you are and who you want to be with. 

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